Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Thoughts on communication, teens, and parents

No offense to all of you answering questions about others on Facebook to earn coins (I think that's what they're called), but I realize that I'll never know your answers b/c I'm just not that into facebook. I have an account and maintain a page, but I can't help but hear the clock tick with each passing moment that I spend on the site.

Wondering how much communication in the world today is meaningful... That sounds a whole lot more cynical that it's meant to.

It's more a comment about my experience with the affective domain of relationships and how meaningful private commentary (affirmation offered from one mouth to one ear) can be on anyone...did I say ANY one.

I've taught in urban, rural, and now suburban settings and my most common observations of teens are...


1. how little they know about self-advocacy


2. how they don't realize how insecure ALL of their peers are


3. how there are an occasional few (really rare) individuals who exist outside #2 above and that because they have little insecurity (about taking risks socially, academically, intellectually, extracurricularly... etc) they are THE people who always exist at the center of peer groups, who are the most popular, and who everyone calls "friend"


4. how those people from #3 above could care less about their "status" and how popularity really doesn't matter to them


5. how the students who go through school with stratospheric grades care little about their grades. Every student that I've taught who I would legitimately label as a genius cared more about understanding that s/he did with the extrinsic structure of grades


6. how parents need to stop affirming grades and start affirming understanding

(ask your kids the following:

What was the best part of your day rather than asking "how was your day," or "what did you do today?" {We parents of a habit of asking bad questions and then getting upset and saying our kids "won't communicate with us" when it's really our fault for asking questions that only require a one word answer!}
What was the hardest problem you encountered today?
What was the most fun you had today?
What did YOU teach your teacher today?
What made you most proud today?)


7. how parents / teachers / & adults generally need to affirm a child's perseverance to stick with something that doesn't come easily rather than comfort the failure or affirm the success that is only the product of the more valuable effort & experience of 'working the problem'... teach them to love the problem rather than the praise of the product


8. that all read / become familiar with Marcial Losada's work with affirmation...he's THE GUY who scientifically figured out that it takes 2.9 affirmations to compensate for every negative comment made to another person. Really, if you read about his (see Fredrickson's book "Positivity") approach you will come away thinking that this truly was scientific!

9. how amazing it is that almost every teen I've asked (and I intentionally ask them all) believe that they are being judged by someone else right now (whenever and where ever now is)

10. that the moment when you can see an epiphany in a person is absolutely magical!

11. (okay this is the Baker's offering to this Letterman top 10) How much I love conversation and private notes over more "contemporary" forms of communication... hmmm.... kind of like this one!

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